Wednesday, January 28, 2009


Definition of Torture: Being forced to listen to a house of teenagers playing Rock Band while singing along to ‘Panic at the Disco!” Have you heard this band?!"

Back when I was single, I was really nervous in front of a cute guy at a party. I read in Cosmo magazine that if you want to seduce a guy you should mimic his gestures. When he sips, you sips. He was drinking from a glass beer bottle, and I was holding a glass of ice water. When he chugged a swig from his bottle, I thought I was holding a bottle too, so I lifted my drink and poured it all over my face.


My husband shaved our Shihtzu’s face and now he has an ugly pointed chin. Did he do this in retaliation for me not using his dog as a ring-bearer in our wedding? Now Chazzie looks like Leon Trotsky. His chin is triangular like a Pomeranian's. No offense, but I prefer the pudgy full-face of a Shih-tzu, not a triangle. I am so angry I’m thinking of getting a fake beard for the dog, or having hair extensions woven in. Our dog used to be so cute — like in this picture — but now I’m embarrassed to drive with the dog’s head out the window. My husband also cut Chazzie’s whiskers, which I assumed were his antennae. Aren’t a dogs’ whiskers a logistical tracking mechanism, like a catfish whiskers?

By the way, we were going to mate our Shih-tzu with a Bulldog, but then we'd have Bull Shit.

Our dog Chazzie is humping his doggie bed, while our new girl dog Sasha lounges in it flirtatiously. Chazz doesn’t seem to realize there’s a girl in his bed! She is actually stretching and lolling luxuriously looking at him upside down as he gets more and more annoyed with her for being in his way while he tries to make love to the cushion.

Our dogs are like spies for the CIA. They wait outside the door to various bedrooms like investigators. Where do they to act so arrogant like they own the place? I mean one dog looks like a carpet with a face. All you see are the eyeballs and fur.


Okay, so I made the front page of TMZ recently. The message kids gets from our culture these days is that only important thing in the world is how "hot" you are, how you look — the appearance of things, the impression you make, the mistakes that come out of your mouth — instead of the intent behind the words. There is so much focus on scandal and ugliness — on bad behavior and faux pas — on sales technique and ratings, and so little substance, so little forgiveness.

I'm in withdrawal from cleavage. I'm not spiritually evolved enough to stop dressing like a hooker but I did try a turtleneck on the other day. Just when I finally let go of my fear of potato chips and bad lighting – a show comes on called “Extreme Makeover Body edition” -- so maybe I’ll just keep the cleavage a little longer: the bigger the boobs look, the smaller the butt looks.

Is it my imagination or are women getting younger and thinner and tittier every year? Why are the only valuable women in our society teenage, wombless, buttless mutants?! It’s kind of hard winning a fight with your husband while he’s reading a Victoria’s Secret catalogue that pretends not to be soft porn. I met an actress recently who admits she moonlights for an escort service.


I used to badger my husband into mental health. I'd chase him around the house with a psychology book and he'd run and hide whenever I wanted to talk. And my kids made me play Harry Potter; I have to wear a long black robe and ride a broomstick around the house. To get out of it, I'd hide from them in the closet. One time I ducked into the closet and found my husband in there hiding from me!

Frankly I’d be happy if he just pretended to listen to me; if he would just nod his head and say “Uh-huh, uh-huh” that would be fine – because a woman’s primary need is to be heard.

Now I realize I am deliberately not letting myself leave this relationship because there’s too much comedy material I’m getting out of it. I guess it’s a trade-off: bliss or torture with jokes.

Why do I have to adapt my language to suit the men in my life? I have to speak in a masculine way to my sons like this: “That’s a cool shirt. Nice color.” God forbid I say “That’s a pretty colored sweatshirt.” They can’t tolerate even the most subtle feminine words or a less than macho lilt to my voice. Since when did womanly things become passé? Everything has to be slanted toward the male voice. It pisses me off! And furthermore, they won’t go to a single movie with a female protagonist, while I have to suffer through raunchy, sophomoric, loud, explosive testosterone-fueled guy movies ad nauseum!

My philosophy of life can be summed up like this: when cows shit, flowers grow. Or in the words of Stuart Smalley: “It’s better to wear slippers than to carpet the whole world.”

I usesd to hate the word 'edgy' with a hatred reserved for pedophiles that moonlighted as suicide bombers. If I heard one more industry type use the word “EDGY” I was going to blow. For a long time every script in Hollywood had to be “edgy” and every woman had to be 18. I assume edgy meant “scuzzy” as in “scuzz film” starring Christopher Walken and directed by Quentin Tarantino.

And regarding ageism, I swear I actually heard a network executive say that only 18-21 year olds are “brand-changeable” that all important demographic that advertisers covet.

Everyone in Hollywood relates to everyone else from fake hierarchy of wants. There is a desperate “choose me” energy in L.A. — a yearning in the airwaves. Everyone wants something from someone.

Maybe fame is the cure for crime and adultery. Look at Ozzy and Gene Simmons and Snoop Dog. Since they had their own TV shows, they’re are on their best behavior. In the long run, everyone in the public eye seems to gain a conscience and clean up their act. We should have TV shows for all criminals. Every criminal gets his own show.


I’m still grieving over a garage sale I had a few years ago. People bought things from me against my will; they bought things I had no intention of selling! They stampeded over my lawn, like barbarians at the gate, taking everything off the walls of my garage -- my childhood possessions. Why did I feel so intimidated? I felt guilty when I said “No, this is not for sale.” One woman, a professional gypsy, bought a mixer, then stole my jewelry. I had to wrestle her to the ground and chase her to her Mercedes, yanking on her purse, while she tried to slam the car door on my arms. Finally I got the bag away and searched inside and found all my jewelry.

Now I’m having a garage sale for all my pens and pencils.
OpEdNews: Holy Cow! Top Dems Are Serious About Investigating Bush's Criminal Acts

As President Barack Obama reverses some of ex-President George W. Bush's most controversial "war on terror" policies, a consensus seems to be building among Democratic congressional leaders that further investigations are needed into Bush's use of torture and other potential crimes...

Two other key Democrats joined in this growing chorus of lawmakers saying that serious investigations should be conducted...

On Jan. 18, two days before Obama's inauguration, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi expressed support for House Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers's plan to create a blue-ribbon panel of outside experts to probe the "broad range" of policies pursued by the Bush administration "under claims of unreviewable war powers."

In an interview with Fox News' Chris Wallace, Pelosi specifically endorsed a probe into the politicization of the Justice Department, but didn't spell out a position on Conyers's plan to examine the Bush administration's torture and rendition policies, which could prove embarrassing to Pelosi and other Democratic leaders who were briefed by the CIA about these tactics.

Still, when Wallace cited Obama's apparent unwillingness to investigate the Bush administration, Pelosi responded: "I think that we have to learn from the past, and we cannot let the politicizing of the--for example, the Justice Department--to go unreviewed. Past is prologue. We learn from it. And my views on the subject--I don't think that Mr. Obama and Mr. Conyers are that far apart."

The emerging consensus among top congressional Democrats for some form of investigation into Bush's controversial policies has surprised some progressives who had written off the leadership long ago for blocking impeachment hearings and other proposals for holding Bush and his subordinates accountable.

In 2006, for instance, Pelosi famously declared that "impeachment is off the table," and prior to Election 2008, the Democratic leadership largely acquiesced to Bush's demands for legislation that supported his "war on terror" policies, including a compromise bill granting legal immunity to telecommunications companies that assisted in Bush's warrantless wiretaps.
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Photos from Vegas last week and St. Bart's last summer: The Wynn Hotel, the view from our window on 60th floor overlooking Trump Tower, Venetian Palazzo and Treasure Island. The Encore Hotel -- crystal peacock, butterfly mosaic floors.

Other photos at top: Kevin in Malibu last week. He found a starfish but put it back...

Photos: St. Bart's last summer July 2008

Quote of the Day: Stress is the consequence of resistance to your life. When we resist, argue, are angry, make others wrong.. When you relax into acceptance, that's when you can start reclaiming your peace. Listen to people's stories: they tell why they are unable to be at peace now. Gary Zukav