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The State of the Onion
Tonight we will all be treated to our 6th segment of "the World According to Bush", or "how to screw up an entire country without trying too hard", as the President takes to the pulpit once more to deliver his State of the Union speech to a fawning yet trepidatious congress. No doubt this segment will be another history lesson, science and social studies presentation, and certainly a lesson on our new form of democracy, courtesy of President Bush and his "hole in us all" gang, all rolled into one, neatly wrapped though hard to digest value meal.
In past speeches we have all been riveted by the Presidents illuminating and noticably offbeat views on everything fro
m the role of religion in government to stem cell research, to just why we have to kill lots and lots of Arabs so they won't all come over here and kill us. And tomorrow nights offering is not expected to let us down on neither one jot nor a single tittle. What lessons will we learn? Who knows? Perhaps we will be treated to a history lesson, that explains once more how Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden were drinking buddies in college back in their haydays at "Jihad U", where if we are to believe Mr Bush, Saddam Hussein graduated "Magna Cum Qaeda". Or maybe Mr Bush will treat us to his new age Constitutional law, where the right to habeas corpus is merely a figment of our combined imaginations, and unwarranted imprisonment accompanied with state sanctioned torture are simply God given rights to protect the American people from some possible, future, undefined threat. Or maybe he'll just throw his hands up in despair, proclaiming what he should have proclaimed 5 years ago, saying "I'm in over my head".Of course I wouldn't hold my breath on that last one.
But whatever Mr Bush says, one things for sure. No one is really listening anymore. Oh sure, we'll hear the poorly articulated adjectives and verbs, as he muddles his way through them like a child reading an apology written by his mom for breaking the neighbors window, and delivered of course with his usual "Ricky Bobby" like statesmenship. But what we'll all really hear, is "blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah blah", and then of course, "thank you for coming".
And what will the congress do while all this is going on? Why sit in their seats, until the cue comes on to stand and applaud like a herd of trained seals and then sit back down, while other members of congress show their opposition to whatever he says by refusing to stand or applaud, and glaring icily towards the pulpit, as if trying to project laser beams in his general direction without alerting the Secret Service. Then, at the end of the speech, they'll all applaud nonetheless, and shake hands and all head into the rotunda for juice and cookies and a few palm greasing photo ops.
Great work if you can get it.
Well I have a suggestion for congress on this the sixth installment of "the world according to Bush". Don't invite him.
That's right, don't invite the President to his own State of the Union address. After all, there is nothing in the Constitution requiring a State of the Union address be given at any particular time, situation or frequency. In fact, article II simply says the President shall inform the congress "from time to time' on the state of the union, and makes no stipulations as to the method of delivery. Perhaps Mr Bush could just "phone it in" like he did during Katrina. Or, maybe like Mark Foley, he could send them an instant message, with some bullet points on how screwed up we are tossed in between jibes at Pelosi and asking Duncan Hunter what he's wearing now. Or perhaps we could just forgo it all together this time around. After all, you'd have to live on Jupiter to not know how thoroughly screwed up our "union" is at present.
So what happens tomorrow night? Simple. The President is not permitted to enter the chamber unless invited to do so by the Congress. So don't invite him. And if perchance the invitation has already gone out, then the Sergeant at Arms of the House of Representatives has to announce the President to the Speaker of the House. Well if Mr Livingood refuses to introduce him, and the senate ushers refuse to open the doors, then I guess Mr Bush would simply be forced to climb back into his limo, open a can of "Busch" beer, and turn the moto-cade around. No biggy. He can just spend a quiet night with Laura, playing Yahtzee and eating Baloney sandwiches, while the girls head down to Georgetown to play Russian roulette with their kidneys and other vital organs they're not currently using.
And what would the networks do with all the dead air time? Thats easy. They could just show some comparative offering, like reruns of "the Simple Life", or maybe some classic Hee Haw episodes. After all, who would notice the difference?
And to accomplish this, all the Congress has to do, is grow a pair, and not invite the bum in. Just lock the doors, turn out the lights, and nobody say a word. Then maybe we can all get a good nights sleep.
WORFEUS
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